Just Go With It
by PsychoticSax
Summary: Kathryn Janeway has worked hard to earn the title of Captain - she's not going to risk it all on one man, now is she? Unfortunately for her, she's got many things against her, such as shuttles, Q, and the future... Is it worth it?


Just Go With It

**PsychoticSax**

_As Kathryn Janeway entered Sick Bay, she knew that something was different. Perhaps the walls didn't seem to be the precise shade of off-white they had been before, or maybe the feet of the biobeds were a few nanometers off. She wasn't quite sure of what it was, but whatever it was, it was throwing her off. For an emergency situation – or at least what she had presumed to have been one – the room was rather quiet. Kathryn could hear the click of her own heels as she approached the only occupied biobed in the room. Her steady tempo reminded her of when she used to be a member of the color guard at her high school, which was only done her junior and senior year on the recommendations of her ballet coach. "Kathryn, you're too shy… if you can dance on a field, you can dance on a stage." Best advice she'd ever gotten. _

_As she approached Chakotay's body, she pushed the memories of marching shows out of her head and instead tried to refill them with everything Tom had said about the mission. For the most part, it had been successful. They had gotten all the samples of beryllium and discovered a new species of photoautotrophic plant for Neelix to use in his cooking. However, upon trying to leave the planet, the unusual electromagnetic cloud they had just barely avoided upon their entrance had reappeared, throwing the ship back down in chaos. Tom had nothing more than a broken pinky, but Chakotay was an entirely different story. She didn't know the exact extent of his damage, but she knew enough to wonder why the doctor wasn't already operating. In fact, she wasn't even sure that he was on._

"_Activate the Emergency Medical Hologram," she said, stepping up next to Chakotay's biobed. She nearly gasped when she saw his face, but her instincts as Captain kicked in rather quickly, and her face remained as still as stone. There was a dark bruise over his left eye, and a small trail of blood had dried from a thin cut on his cheek. There was a longer and much bloodier cut going down his right thigh, stopping just above his knee. A small but very noticeable chunk of metal was imbedded in his side. _

"_The EMH is already running," the computer said, but it only briefly succeeded in getting Kathryn's attention. She was about to ask where the Doctor was, but a small groan came from Chakotay, and her attention was once again on her first officer._

"_Chakotay?" she asked, forgoing his professional title for something that was – hopefully – more comfortable for him. "It's Kathryn. Don't move – you've been severely injured." She gently pressed her hand on his shoulder, hoping that she would be able to let him know to stay down, just in case he was unable to hear her._

"_Kathryn…?" he asked, his voice cloudy and unusual. Through Chakotay's eyes, everything was bright. He wasn't able to focus on anything except a particularly lovely shade of red. That, too, was blurry, but unlike anything else, it was unforgettable. _

"_It's me, Chakotay," she said again, taking ahold of his hand in hers. She didn't know if it was safe to move his hand – hell, she didn't even know if he could feel her touch, but it comforted her. She hoped that on some level, it comforted him too. "It's Kathryn."_

_A small smile spread over his face as she said so, and it grew even wider when he felt her small delicate hand in his. He didn't have much feeling anywhere – not in his chest, and definitely nothing below the waist, but her touch was just… different. He didn't know how to explain it, not even to his own self. Of course, Chakotay had always known that there was something about Kathryn, even if whatever it was didn't seem to make sense. But then again, the essence of Kathryn never really made sense to him anyways. It wasn't really a smell or a sight, but just a feeling that he got whenever he was around her. It was like she could make his blood pump faster and his heart beat stronger, his mind at peace and at war all at the same time, his soul yearn for nothing but her. He couldn't even tell _what_ it was that he wanted, but the best that he had ever been able to guess was simply… Kathryn. _

_It was there and then that a thought occurred to Chakotay. "I'm going to die," he said, not taking the time to think through it clearly. He knew himself too well; if he thought through it, he wouldn't say it. Spirits knew he wouldn't say what he needed to say. "I'm going to die and you're never going to know…" There was a faint part of him – a very, very faint part, somewhere in the background – that was telling him that it was wrong to tell her this. He knew that she had far too much on her plate to deal with her first officer falling in love with her, but Chakotay sure as hell wasn't going to die without telling her. Maybe a better man would, and Chakotay felt guilty for even burdening her with it, especially after he had sworn to lighten her load, but… He couldn't just stand by and do nothing anymore. "It's impossible not to see you everyday and wonder, Kathryn… I wonder what life would be like if we were together, as a couple. I think about you all the time, and how I could brighten your day in ways that I hope – selfishly – no other man ever gets to do. If I was primal, I would say that you were mine, but I'm not, and you're not, and I just… I want you to be, Kathryn," he babbled, not even entirely sure where he was going with his speech. He was talking faster than he could think, but he didn't entirely disapprove of what he was saying. "I want you to be mine, Kathryn. I want to be the only man who's allowed to hold you, and comfort you, and _feel_ you. I want to be the man you can tell anything to – the one you're not afraid to cry in front of. And maybe you don't cry, and that's ok, too. I just… I can't stand not being with you in the way I want to be. I know that you're my Captain, Kathryn, and I do care about you, and your career, and even Starfleet, but love… love doesn't care about any of that, and maybe a smart man would say that it's foolish to allow love to take you over so completely, but I can't help it. Nothing I do lessens what I feel for you, and I don't _want_ it to… not if there's ever the chance that you'll feel the same."_

_He knew that there was more he could add to his speech – a lot more that he could add, but he just wasn't… He wasn't ready to. Or maybe he wasn't able to. Chakotay just knew that he was getting tired, and there wasn't a lot of thinking going on at the moment, not that he was thinking much when he was talking. The blurriness in front of him became too dizzying, so he closed his eyes, laying his head – which he hadn't even realized he had raised – back down on the biobed's pillow._ At least if she's going to turn me down, _he thought_, then she won't see me cry. Spirits, I'd better not cry.

"_I…I don't know what to say, Chakotay," was her first response – the honest truth. No one had ever told her something so beautiful and so poignant. Not even Mark on the day he had proposed to her. No – nothing Mark ever said could compare to this _one_ speech. She gripped his hand tighter with her right hand, using her left to stroke his cheek with the back of her fingers. "I don't think now is the time to talk about this. I… I need to think about it, Chakotay. We'll talk when your surgery is over," she said, quickly pulling her hands back from him. She didn't know what she was doing; she didn't know what she was _thinking_. She only knew that she had to get out of Sick Bay. "Computer!" she said, with far more force than she meant to. "Where is the EMH!" _

"_I'm right here, Captain," he said, walking from out of his office, a hypospray in hand. "No need to yell." _

=/_\=

Kathryn tried to sit calmly at the desk in her ready room, but she couldn't manage to keep still. Her mind was racing, full of thoughts that she knew that she shouldn't be having. There was some part of her that wanted to blame it on Chakotay, but the other part of her, the one that felt almost exactly as he did, knew that Chakotay was not to blame. Nothing she thought of seemed to make any sense, and Kathryn knew that she wasn't going to get any work done. She pulled open her desk drawer and grabbed an empty PADD. After ordering a hot steaming cup of black coffee from the replicator, she made her way over to the couch, trying to debate the pros and cons of a romantic relationship with her first officer. As she sat on the couch, she took a few sips of her coffee and then set it down on the coffee table.

"Alright, Kathryn," she said to herself, letting her fingers hover over the PADD. She didn't exactly know where to start; it wasn't as if Kathryn had ever been in a situation that was even remotely similar to what was going on now. Any time she had ever sought out a romantic relationship, it had always been with someone of the same rank or someone who wasn't in Starfleet at all – which was perfectly acceptable according to Starfleet rule. Also within the boundaries of Starfleet regulations was a relationship between different ranks if work performance was not affected. Kathryn knew that regardless of the situation, she and Chakotay would do their best, as they always had and always would, if they were engaged in a romantic relationship, but as Captain, she couldn't make any decision assuming that it would only impact her. Who _knew_ how her crew would take it? Maybe some of the lower crewmembers would view it as unacceptable and uncaptain-like, in which case, they might assume that if the Captain could act outside of boundaries, then they could, too. The only thing Kathryn knew for sure was that she had no idea what would happen if she dared to engage in a romantic relationship, and that in itself was probably the most frightening thing about it.

She set the PADD down on the table and picked up her coffee instead. She wasn't getting anywhere, and she knew that she wouldn't. Wasn't that one of the difficulties with being Captain? Putting the crew's needs before her own? She most _definitely_ wanted to be engaged with her first officer romantically, but the part of her that she had been working so hard to train and build up over the years – the glorious title of Captain that she had worked so hard to earn – was more ethical, she knew. It was more logical and did a better job at guiding her than her womanly side ever would. One didn't spend so long building that kind of self-restraint only to let it go, did they…?

"Well, I don't know, Kathy, but I certainly think Mr. Chuckles is worth a second thought," came an all too familiar voice. Kathryn almost dropped her coffee, but instead, she stood up quickly, facing none other than Q. A little bubble of rage brewed in her stomach, but she kept it down. Even if she could hurt Q, she doubted that it would do any good. _This is the kind of self-constraint I was referring to_, she thought, even though she had no one _reasonable_ to argue her point against.

"Q," she said, setting her coffee down on the table carefully. She never knew how to approach the omnipotent pain in the ass. She took a step forward, around her coffee table, maybe just for the sake of making sure that she was still on _Voyager_. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Oh, not so hateful with the words, Madam Captain," Q said, walking closer to Kathryn. He didn't walk with the same cautious ere about him that Kathryn did, but then again, when you knew everything, there wasn't really much to be worried about. Q had learned a rather long time ago that if the universe wanted to make something to happen, it was going to happen, no matter what anybody did to stop it. If someone was destined to die in a car accident and you went back in time to save them, they'd still end up dead at the exact moment they were meant to die some other way. Q knew that he couldn't change the outcome of any event, but it was sure as hell fun to make the means of getting there much more exciting. "Tell me, what's the problem?"

"Nothing that concerns _you_," she assured, crossing her arms over her chest. That pose, however, didn't last long as Kathryn began to realize how inexplicably rude she was being. Not that Q didn't deserve it, exactly, but somehow, Q never got the message she was trying to send him. _"Leave me alone,_" – and anything else for that matter – turned into, "_Take me on a crazy impossible adventure!"_

"Ouch, Kathy," he said, placing his hand over what would be his heart if he had one. "Something must be bothering you. Care to share it with me?" he asked, snapping his fingers. Suddenly, Kathryn was in a room that was not her ready room, sitting on a large couch in a very extravagant dress. She immediately jumped off of the couch, feeling heavy curls bounce against her shoulders. Before she could say anything – to threaten Q, of course – Q walked in through the doorway, wearing some sort of equally extravagant suit. "My, my, Kathryn, my dear," he said, walking towards her with his arms outstretched. "Sit down, and take a load of your feet." The second his hand touched hers, she pulled her hand back and glared at him.

"Q," she said, as calmly as she could manage. "I don't find this amusing. Please take me back to my ship."

"Oh, Kathy, you're no fun," he said in a fake pout, snapping his fingers again. They were on _Voyager_ this time, but not in Kathryn's ready room. Instead, they were on the bridge. The only odd thing was that the bridge was dark, and nobody was present.

"Q, what have you done with my crew?" she asked, searching around the room with her eyes. She already knew that she wouldn't find anything, but going through the motions of looking was certainly more comforting than nothing. "I demand that you return them at once!"

"They're here, Kathy, don't worry. You just can't see them right now. And they can't see you, as a matter of fact," he said, walking around the bridge. He skimmed his finger over the chair that Lieutenant Paris would have been sitting in had Q not started screwing around with things. "I suppose it's time to – oh, how do you humans phrase it? – let the cat out of the bag! Oh, yes! That was it! Anyways, I'm actually here on a mission. Boring, I know. Not what you expected from your favorite Q, right?"

"Mmhmm," she said, raising an eyebrow. She couldn't see him that well in the darkness, but she didn't have to to know the smug look that was most likely splayed on his smug face. "Yes, Q, I see. Now, if you wouldn't mind, could we please proceed with this mission? I would like to return to _my_ ship in _my_ time, thank you."

"Well, aren't we feisty today!" he said eagerly, spinning around to face Kathryn. "This doesn't have anything to do with Chuckles' injuries, now does it?" Before she could speak, though, Q spoke again. "Oh, never mind – of course it does. That is why I'm here, isn't it?" he asked, smiling one of those creepy, arrogant smiles of his.

"Q, I honestly have _no_ idea why you're here," she said truthfully. She didn't need to start thinking about Chakotay again – Q was good for one thing, and that was for a distraction. Until now, she hadn't thought about Chakotay and their current predicament. Leave it to Q to bring it up again.

"Yes, you do," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "Anyways, why don't you just call me… Oh, darn, now _what_ was that movie? That Christmas one, with the ghosts? Oh, well, I supposed it doesn't matter," he said, yet again answering his own question before Kathryn could even attempt. She knew the name of the movie, but apparently, that didn't matter any more. "The Ghost of Lovers' Future… oh, yes, I like that!" he said, smiling as genuinely as Kathryn believed a Q could. "Sorry, but when you know everything, it's difficult to keep it all straight… Anyways, the continuum has decided that I need to do you a favor because of all the _trouble_ I've caused you. Of course, both of _us_ know that I haven't caused you any harm, but the continuum apparently doesn't see it that way. _Any_ways," he said, trying to keep himself on topic. "I'm here to talk about Chuckles and your future. The continuum believes that you might make the wrong choice in this entire romantic mess, and they've sent me here to correct it."

"Q, I honestly don't know what you're talking about," she said, but she believed that she might have had the faintest idea. "Please, whatever you're talking about, can we just move on and get it over with already? I've got some things that I need to take care of on my _ship_."

"Yes, of course, Kathy," he said, looping his arm over her shoulder. She pushed it over and took a step away from him, brushing off her shoulder in a manner that she was sure looked rather petty. "One of which is Chuckles. Now, there are pretty much two options the continuum is giving you here. You can either accept that you're badly in love with Commander Face Art and the two of you can live happily ever after, as you humans say. _Or_ you can continue being all Captain-y and… well. I'm not really sure if there _is_ an and there, but you get the idea," he said rolling his eyes in boredom. "Basically, I get to show you your life both way, and blah, blah, blah… Would you mind if we got rolling?"

Kathryn was about to remind him that she had been telling him to get moving for the past five or ten minutes, but she was interrupted once again, no doubt by something Q-related. She was starting to get fed-up with Q's interruptions, nearly ready to tell him off, but then she realized that it wasn't exactly Q who was interrupting her, but the environment in which he had brought her to. Kathryn heard voices whispering and saw the lights of the bridge equipment flashing again, only in the dark. She hadn't even known that it was _possible_ to turn off the lights in the bridge, but apparently, someone had made it happen. Then again, it could all be Q playing a trick on her. She wouldn't doubt that.

She heard the doors of the turbo lift start to open, so she turned towards it, only to find herself and Chakotay walking onto the bridge, deeply engaged in some sort of conversation. By the look on her face, she was coming up with an idea, and, whatever it was, Chakotay liked the sound of it. It almost warmed her heart to see it. She wondered what they were talking about, but before she got a chance to properly hear herself and Chakotay, the bridge lights turned back on abruptly, and suddenly she heard many voices yelling, "_Surprise!"_ She was nearly as startled as her other self, turning around immediately to see the members of her crew on the bridge, wearing strange pointed party hats and awkward noise-blower like things. She had no doubt that this was all done under the watchful eye of her helmsmen, Tom Paris.

It wasn't until she was turned back around that she saw a bright red banter with bold black words hanging above the view screen. It read, "_It Took You Long Enough!"_ Kathryn couldn't help but smile, and she noticed from the corner of her eye that the other Kathryn was doing the same, Chakotay's arm looped through hers. Kathryn couldn't imagine herself doing such a thing, but yet she could see herself right in front of her – relaxed, calmed, happy. As a little girl, she had always envisioned her life going one way: she'd join Starfleet, get to at least Lieutenant Commander, meet a nice man who had a good career, raise an uncertain amount of beautiful children, and eventually retire to her family's farm in Indiana. It had all sounded so perfect, and to Kathryn, it still did.

But over time, her dreams and hopes slowly started dissipating. Getting _Voyager_ stuck in the Delta Quadrant wasn't really much of a morale booster, and as their time away from home grew bigger, Kathryn's dreams grew smaller and smaller. She never knew if they'd survive the night, much less the next day, much less the next _week_. It just kept going on and on in an endless cycle of uncertainly. _That_ certainly wasn't what she had planned for so many years ago.

"See how happy they are, Kathy?" Q asked, coming up behind her. For a little bit, it had almost been completely possible to forget that he was there. However, that was only a limited luxury. "I do believe that earlier today, you were having a bit of a problem whenever you thought about how your new-found relationship with Commander Chuckles would impact your crew. I don't mean to butt in, Kathy, but they all look rather happy to me," he said, rolling his eyes upward so that Kathryn would get the signal. She did, and she ignored it.

"Q, even if I _was_ to start a romantic relationship with Commander Chakotay, there is no guarantee that _any_ of this would happen. There's also no guarantee that the two of us would even be able to _be_ in a successful relationship, Q. What happens when and if the Commander and I are to break up? Would kind of impacts would _that_ have on the crew?" she said, raising in eyebrow.

"Kathy, Kathy, Kathy… always the worrier. You must remember, dear – I'm the only one of us who knows everything. And trust me," he said, walking away from the general direction of the party. "I'm sure that you don't want me to be present during one of your make-up sessions after a fight." He shivered. "Oh, the human method of reproduction is so utterly dis_gust_ing," he said, adding a shiver for affect. "I don't understand how you humans can stand it," he pointed out, shaking his head.

"Q, we're not talking about reproduction," she started, not wanting to broach Q's subject any further than necessary. But as usual, she was interrupted by his omnipotence.

"Not yet, Kathy," he said, inspecting his nails. "But we'll get to that later. Onto the next thing!" With a snap of his fingers, Kathryn was transported from the bridge to the mess hall, which also appeared to be celebrating something festive. The first thing Kathryn noticed was that everyone was in their dress uniforms – well, _almost_ everyone. A few people were missing. She saw Chakotay, but she didn't see herself or B'Elanna. She vaguely wondered what was going on, and then she heard the sound of music. She turned around to see Harry Kim and his clarinet, along with Susan Nickoletti and her oboe, and Harold Wattson with his cello. They made a beautiful and quite interesting trio, really. Kathryn put it in the back of her mind to learn a musical instrument one day. She had always wanted to try it, but she had never really had the time. Her school life, where she could have started had she really wanted to, had always been full of studying, and after that, it was Starfleet all the way. _Maybe the violin_, she thought absent-mindedly. _Or the flute, like Phoebe._ She felt tears spring to the back of her eyes at the memory of her much beloved sister. She could almost hear her practicing, and Kathryn remembered always banging on the wall to get her to stop. She remembered how much worse it got when Phoebe switched to the piccolo, and how she and her mother had always joked that the shrill little was never in tune.

"Kathy, if you don't start paying attention, you're going to miss the entire thing," Q said, crossing his arms with a mock pout over his face. "Besides, the main event is about to start anyways." Just as soon as it had come, his pout was over, and Kathryn saw Tom enter the mess hall. The first thing he did was find Harry and whisper something to him. Then, just as soon as he came, he left, and B'Elanna came in. Kathryn was about to ask Q what was going on – although she was vaguely aware that it would most likely do no good. Then their was a change in the music, a tune that Kathryn recognized. She almost gasped when she heard the perfect fourth – which, of course, she didn't know was a perfect fourth – being played, and no sooner than a perfect fifth later, the other her entered the room with Tom Paris on her arm.

Kathryn looked around the room for Chakotay, finding him standing rather close to Tuvok. He was looking towards the other end of the mess hall, where the other Kathryn was standing, and a radiant smile was spread over both of their faces. Tom escorted her down an isle that the crowd had made, seemingly parting directly in the middle of the mess hall.

"Q?" she asked, unable to tear her eyes off of the scene in front of her. "Is this really going to happen, or are you just yanking my chain?"

"Depends, Kathy," he said, again punctuating his words with his so-called endearing nickname for her. She never really liked being called Kathy, but she knew that her preferences really didn't mean much to Q. Suddenly, his lips were right next to her ear, and before she had the chance to move he said, "Do you want it to?" and snapped his fingers.

Leaving her apparent future wedding behind, Kathryn once again found herself in Sick Bay, which, in a way, was the start of this entire situation. It was in Sick Bay that Chakotay admitted having feelings for her, and even though Kathryn always suspected that he might, hearing it was something completely different. His voice still rang fresh in her ears, telling her of his love and hope. She suspected that it must have taken him a lot of courage to be able to say it, and, somehow, that made it seem even sweeter.

"Don't worry, Kathy," Q said, crossing his arms over his chest. "We're almost done. We've only got one more place to visit, and then I can send you back to your puny little ship." By now, Kathryn was tired of attempting to debate with him, so she wisely chose not to say anything. She tried to wait patiently for something to happen, although she wasn't really sure why she was in a hurry. She'd most likely end up exactly where she had been when she left, so really, there was no damage done. However, if she started thinking like _that_, then she knew she was surely doomed, because she was pretty sure that was how Q thought.

When Kathryn saw herself enter Sick Bay, she was fairly surprised. She wasn't wearing her uniform, but instead, she was draped in a light yellow sundress. Her hair was down, even though the only time she ever wore it down was when she was sleeping. However, it wasn't her casual attire that surprised Kathryn the most, but rather the small two-year old girl she was holding in her arms. The girl was sniffling and trying not to cry, and Kathryn was rubbing her back gently as she walked over to one of the biobeds. "_Computer_," she said, looking up near the ceiling. "_Activate the Emergency Medical Hologram_."

"_Please state the nature of the medical emergency_," the Doctor said, taking a look at Kathryn and the girl. "_Ah, Captain Janeway and you Miss Janeway. What can I do for you?"_

Kathryn watched as the other her explained that her future daughter – Belle, apparently, most likely after B'Elanna – had received her first splinter, and it was just a tad too deep for Kathryn to get out on her own. However, it wasn't the young girl's condition that Kathryn was focusing on, but her appearance. She had jet black hair, just like her father, but she had her mother's light skin. Her freckles where far more noticeable than Kathryn's, and she had Chakotay's dark chocolate eyes. _I hope she has his dimples_, she thought before she could stop herself. Kathryn quickly shook her head to disband the idea from her mind. _I don't even know what I'm going to decide_, she reminded herself. _But how can I turn all of this away…?_

"I know we haven't been here very long, Madam Captain, but I've got things to do, and our next stop is rather lengthy," Q said, rolling his eyes and sighed as if it was her fault that they were on this trip in the first place. "This is where I'm supposed to say that this is what your life with Chuckles would be like, and blah, blah, blah… Boring stuff like that," he said, snapping his fingers once again. Kathryn looked around, only to discover that _this_ time, they were on a cargo bay. There were rows and rows of chairs, filled with crewmen in their formalwear. "And now this is what life's going to be like if you choose not to become romantically involved with that filthy Indian boy of yours…" He sighed yet again, and then the scene began to play out. Like with the mess hall, Kathryn noticed that a few people were missing, but this scene wasn't quite as cheerful as the one in the mess hall. There seemed to be gloom filling the air. Eyes were bright and red, puffy from crying. The ship's musicians appeared to be holding their instruments like glass, as if they were so fragile that one missed note could break them. The music was dense and saddening, and it made Kathryn uneasy. However, this feeling was nothing compared to when Kathryn noticed herself. Even _her_ eyes were full of sadness and misery, heavy from tears. There was even one rolling down her cheek, but nobody dared to question her on it.

A shrill whistle blew, and the crowd stood, looking at the door to the cargo bay. As the doors parted, Kathryn was wondering if the scene could possibly get any worse, but she should have known that it would. She saw Tom and B'Elanna standing, stone-faced in the doorway. They marched in on the even tempo of the musicians, carrying something large at their sides. It only took Kathryn a moment to realize that it was a coffin. She gasped, bringing her hand up to her mouth. She scanned the room for missing crewmembers, even though there was already a sinking feeling in the bottom of her heart telling her who, exactly, was in that coffin. Harry and Tuvok carried in the back end, and Kathryn could swear that the situation had started to melt even Tuvok's Vulcan heart. "Oh, Chakotay…" she whispered, watching as the senior officers – those who, minus herself, were most fitted to carry him in – marched. She had always wondered why marching at a football game and a funeral were always the same – not actual marching, but roll stepping. She could still remember the, "_heel, side, ball, toe_," of the high school band director as he reminded them all how to march properly on a field. It was graceful, looking as if they were hovering rather than walking. "Q, how did this _happen_?" she asked. _This couldn't have happened because of me – oh, please, not because of me…_

"Don't worry, Kathy. It wasn't _directly_ your fault," he said, a Q's comfort. "There was just some complications after a surgery. I guess without anything to hold on to, the poor fellow just didn't have the strength to move on…"

"That can't be true," she insisted, unable to take her eyes off of the casket. She couldn't believe that Chakotay was in there – she just _couldn't_. they had been through too much together for something like this to possibly happen. Eventually, yes, they'd all die, but he _couldn't_ die so soon… "He can't," she whispered, unaware that she was speaking aloud. "I need him…"

"Need him for what, Kathy?" Q asked, raising an eyebrow. "It's not like you were actually planning to get with him, anyways. Marriage and children not appealing to you, hmm? Well, I suppose they're not suited for everyone… Maybe being a glorious Starfleet captain _is_ more important than love…"

"I never said that, Q!" she insisted, raising her voice. "But just because I'm in love doesn't mean I can just shirk my responsibilities!"

"What was that, Kathy?" he asked teasingly, an arrogant smile spread over his face. He cupped his had around his ear, trying to provoke her to repeat herself. "What did you say?"

"You heard me, Q," she said, narrowing her eyes. She had had a slipup in her words, but it was nothing more than that. Of course, she knew what she felt, and she knew that her words _were_ true, but they simply weren't meant to be spoken. There was no way she could…

"Oh, I see," he said, freezing the scene. He started to circle around, his hands crossed behind his back. "You're afraid, aren't you Kathy? You're afraid of _love_! Oh, isn't _this_ just an interesting little find? Even after his lovely speech, you're afraid that he won't love you back!"

_That's not true, Q_, she thought, but for some reason, she couldn't bring herself to say it. Her mouth was dry, frozen.

Q's teasing didn't cease. "You don't think that _anyone_ can love you, do you Kathy? You're the mighty all-powerful Captain Janeway, and _nobody_ can love you, can they, Kathy?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. "Or is it that you don't _want_ anybody to love you? Would your life be _easier_ if Chuckles wasn't in love with you? Is _that_ what it is? You just want him to stop so that you don't have to deal with all the hardships you're afraid you'll have to endure? Are you _really_ that egotistical, Kathryn?"

"No!" she insisted, offended by the accusation. "No, I'm not! What _right_ do you have to talk to me like this, Q? What gives _you_ of _all_ people the _right_ to snoop inside my head and read my thoughts? Who said that _you_ could question me like this!" she asked, regaining her own self-control. She felt more comfortable with control, more at ease. It was easier to be the one asking the questions than it was to be the one answering them. "You think you know me well, don't you, Q? You think that you can just name off everything about me at the blink of a finger? Well you're _wrong_. You couldn't be further from the bull's eye if you were _blind_."

"Then tell, me, Kathy, what is it?"

Kathryn knew it was a trap. She _knew_ that the whole point of this conversation was to get her to confess to whatever it was she was hiding inside of her. She was going to tell him off, tell him that he shouldn't have expected so little of a woman who was full of so much. She was going to demand that he stop trying to trick her because it wasn't going to work. But none of that was what came out of her mouth. Instead, she said, "Because every time I'm free to love, something horrible happens." She narrowed her eyes, finally admitting it not only to Q, but to herself. "Does that make you happy, Q? I loved Justin, and he _died_ right in front of me, alongside my own father. I loved Mark, and I got transported seventy-five thousand light-years away from him. You tell me, Q," she demanded, moving closer to the stationary being. "Why am I so nervous to openly admit to being in love? I could have saved Justin, but I didn't. I was too shocked, too afraid. And I could have made the choice to go back and see Mark again, but I didn't. So maybe I'm starting to believe that love just _isn't_ for me. Maybe I don't even really want love."

"Tell me then, Kathryn," Q said, "_why are you crying_?"

He snapped his fingers, and Kathryn was back in her ready room. Kathryn's hands immediately went up to her eyes and her cheeks so that she could see if she was was still crying. She wasn't. She hadn't even gotten the chance to get her head back on straight when she heard the Doctor's voice through the COMM system.

"Doctor to Captain Janeway. You told me to inform you when Commander Chakotay's surgery was completed."

"Thank you, Doctor, I'll be down there in a minute," she said, already heading for the doors of her ready room. "Janeway out." Kathryn didn't know if it was smart to go see Chakotay, but after that last adventure Q took her to see, she at least had to know that he was ok. That was all – he had to be alive and healthy. She walked to the turbo lift quickly, not bothering to say a word to anyone on the bridge. She was just glad that none of them asked her any questions, but, at that point, Kathryn honestly wasn't sure what would come bursting out of her mouth if they asked her _anything_. _Alright_, she thought to herself once she commanded the turbo lift to deck five. _So maybe I am in love with Chakotay. And maybe he does love me back._ She looked around impatiently, even though nobody else was in the lift. _Is that enough for now? Will it ever be enough?_

When the doors to the lift open, Kathryn excited quickly. _Would I be doing what's right for the crew? What's right for myself? _She felt herself breaking into a fast walk, wanting to get there as soon as possible. She _just_ needed to see him. _What about love and happiness? Are they worth all the consequences – or possible consequences? There's always a chance…_ Suddenly, Kathryn was hit with a realization; something she had never seen before was right under her eyes, and she hadn't even noticed… _There's a chance for anything. I could die tomorrow; we could get _home_ tomorrow._ Her fast walk broke into a jog, and not much longer after that, she was running for Sick Bay. _Anything could happen, and it could happen before I ever get the chance to tell him…_

As the Sick Bay doors opened, Kathryn ran for Chakotay, who was sitting on the biobed, looking as good as new. He wasn't even able to get a word of surprise out of his mouth before she grabbed ahold of him and kissed him. She didn't bother to care that B'Elanna was in there for a wrist injury or that the Doctor was standing nearby, his jaw nearly hitting the floor like his hypospray. She kissed him with all of the passion that she could muster, and it didn't take Chakotay more than a second to respond, kissing her back. His mind was blown – absolutely blown. He had expected her to deliver him some kind of ultimatum, but this… this was more than he ever could have asked for, even in his wildest dreams. "Kathryn," he said as they parted. He looked at her, unable to determine if it was _really_ happening. One look in her eyes, however, told him that it was. Her eyes, an endless sea of grey-blue, were filled with infinite hopes and possibilities. "Are you sure?"

"Chakotay, I've been questioning myself enough today," she answered truthfully, a sly smile spreading over her face. "Just go with it."

=/_\=

**Author's Note:**

**I was originally waiting for someone to read this for characterization, but they're a little late, and I have no patience. *face/palm* I'd like to thank my friend Hannah for reading this for me and correcting the grammatical errors that she saw. If you happen to see one, please, let me know. Also, if you have a characterization complaint, again, please let me know. This is the first in – hopefully – a long series of one-shots for Kathryn and Chakotay, and the more criticism you give me, the better I'll get. **

**By the way – I do NOT apologize for my marching references/instrument references. I'm just awesome enough to incorporate all of my passions into one story. ;D **

**-Sax-**


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